


don't look at it, please

by desdemona (LydiaOfNarnia)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Barbed Penis, Crack, M/M, sin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 05:06:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7421089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LydiaOfNarnia/pseuds/desdemona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi has a barbed penis.</p><p>That's it, that's the story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't look at it, please

**Author's Note:**

> This is the most nsfw, most CRACKY thing I have written in my entire goddamn life and I am ashamed. Blame Ella. DO NOT BLAME ME, PLEASE, AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE FANDOM, CATS, MY MOTHER, GOD, AND EVERYONE ELSE.
> 
> Cats have barbed penises. This would work better with Kuroo, I guess, but it's funnier to imagine with Iwachan.

“I- Iwa-chan…” Tooru sounded dazed, awed, and slightly horrified. “What the hell is _that?_ ”

Hajime flushed a red so violent that Tooru was afraid he’d had a stroke. “Nothing!” he hissed, tossing a pillow over his lap and sounding for all the world like a mortally offended cat. “It’s nothing, it’s fucking -- _nothing_ , _forget_ it, we’re not doing this.”

Tooru honestly wasn’t sure if he wanted to do this anymore -- sure, he’d been looking forward to having sex with his best friend for years, ever since he realized that he had a frightfully massive crush on him. But that was before he’d gotten a good look at Iwa-chan’s penis, and realized it looked like _that_.

“Is it… _barbed?"_

“No! It’s not!”

“It is. It really is.”

“Fuck you!”

Tooru had to sit down. It didn’t matter that they were both ass-naked and that Iwa-chan was curled up in his bed, cherry red from mortification. He couldn’t process this right now. He was having a hard time processing anything at all, past the fact that if he were to finally fulfill his high-school ambition of having sex with Iwa-chan, it might very well be the last thing he ever did because Iwa-chan’s dick might make him _bleed_ and he could _die_.

(Sure, he supposed there were worse ways to go out, but Oikawa Tooru had always envisioned himself dying in some sort of spectacular way -- say, in a large firey explosion, or a horrific volleyball-related accident. Dying during sex because he was bottoming for the penis of death just seemed a bit… undignified.)

“Do you… still..” He was almost afraid to ask -- not in the least because he feared it might kill Hajime, who already looked ready to drop dead from humiliation on the spot.

“Yes, I still want to have sex,” Hajime spat out, looking physically pained.

Tooru’s eyes lingered on the pillow fixed over his best friend’s lap; self consciously, Hajime crossed his legs. Tooru still couldn’t get the image of those abnormal, dangerous-looking spikes out of his head. He was pretty sure they would be seared there for the rest of his life.

“M-maybe I should top,” he suggested, and if possible Hajime's face got even more red; but then, grudgingly, he nodded. Tooru couldn’t help heaving a sigh of relief, content in the knowledge that his ass was safe for another day.


End file.
